Just a thought

I do believe people come into our lives to serve a purpose. To teach us patience, teach us to love,teach us to be happy no matter what, or maybe just to teach us there's someone else out there who will listen to our complaints. For me? Well I still need a lottttt more people to come my way. But let me get to my point of what sparked this blog, I had just downloaded the pandora application on my phone and was listening to my "Graham Colton station" and a song called "If Love Were Enough" came on, and well here it is...

If love was enough I'd wrap it around you
If love was enough to make you stay
If love was enough it would surround you
If love was enough for you

There was a road we never took
Through my eyes I see how it looks
It was everything I know we could have been
But I can't go back again

You at least get the jist of it. It's a really great song, I think love is enough, though. And if everything has a plan for the way it goes and we learn important life lessons, then the other "road" wasn't the one for us.

From the mountains to the prairies.

New York was a great experience, but def no Texas :) The city is old and dilapidated. The people are all in a hurry, to where? Who knows. Broadway is Broadway and filled with many aspiring  actors and actresses who want to make it to the top. They are incredibly talented and while I watched them perform I got a rush which sparked a slight desire of my own, to one day be on Broadway. I marveled at ground zero, as I stood in a nearby building which was once ruined from the attack. I pondered how many people lost their lives,how many had shed tears, how many lived in fear and how many still do. I caught myself in a trance, while gratitude consumed me, for I am still alive and well, along with all my family. Central park was a completely different world from the crowded streets. The tranquility was so unexpected, as we had just left Times Square. I wanted to spend more time there, but I was still glad I got to see it. Canal Street opened my eyes to poverty, although this was not my first time to experience it. I could never lead a life like theirs. I'll have to admit, I was slightly amused by their tactics (hiding pictures of designer bags in newspapers while whispering "handbag,handbag,handbag" in your ear).  Sunday night we took a dinner cruise. A few of us went out on the deck while we passed the Statue of Liberty. Someone began singing God Bless America, which then turned into about 10 of us singing. It was pretty powerful, in itself. A few more people came out, and we sang the Star Spangled Banner. It was a once in a lifetime type thing that I will never forget. We packed a lot in that small trip, but the lack of sleep was totally worth it. This past Friday was choir banquet. It's hard for me to fathom how quickly this year has gone, how much drama has died off, and how close we all became. They are my second family. It's comforting to know that people my age share the love of music that dwells within me. Next year we will start over with a few old members and a few new. The beginning will be rough(as it always is), but come May we will realize how much we love each other. Tomorrow is the last day for seniors. I was waiting for my sister to finish dinner tonight, while my mind trailed off to the first day of school. Every time this happens, I have to sit down and try my best to accept how quickly things happened this year. I think of everything I can from August to now, take a deep breath, and step back into the real world. It's a tad bit peculiar, but it enables me to have a good recollection of events. I'm sad it's ending, for next year will be my departure from high school. It's honestly been my favorite three years of life. I'm still undecided as to where I want to go to school. Everyday it changes, yesterday I wanted to go some place where no one I know will be around, and today I want to stay close to family and friends. I guess I'll deal with that battle when it gets closer. As for now I'm content in my bedroom listening to Coldplay, and awaiting the arrival of summer (two days!).

Hakuna Matata...?

Sometimes I fear myself. I believe everyone has an immense amount of beauty and strength secreted in their soul, but don't try hard enough to disinter it. When I find myself fighting the vigorous currents of the world, and becoming stronger, I tend to step back down. And it's all attributed to me being critical of myself. I tell Allie that she isn't good enough. That she can not possibly become any stronger. I tell her she should back off now, before something or someone else pushes her down, because the fall will hurt a lot less.This encumbrance often seems to be esoteric. When I look around, my eyes strictly see people who have it all together and think nothing of their flaws. I don't seek for pity, just empathy. If only a small amount of self-abnegation was to be abated, it would suffice, because right now I feel like I can't hold my head above its crashing waves. On the other hand, it's inevitable that a good day will find its way into my life sometime soon... :] ahh the circle of life.

currently 2:24 a.m.

The weather reflected the way I felt this entire Spring Break. Words don't do me any justice for the way I felt. Everyday I woke up and thought, "hmmm it's going to be a great day, because it's sunny and perfect". Call me lame, but this has been the best Spring Break by far. Today was Mom and Dad's 25th anniversary! Whoo. I think that's impressive considering 50% of marriages in America end in divorce. I also got a job teaching swim lessons, with jordan! Oh! andd i had a picnic with my friends, walked around kids kingdom with mara talking for three hours, as well as going to work then going to see a movie with Jeff, Brian and Kelsey. Then Taco Bell with Jeff, then sitting at Whataburger with ethan, lauren, tim and kelsey :] Spring Break gave me a taste of Summer, which was much needed. It did kinda tease me though :/ because I'll be back at school before I can blink, buttt I do enjoy routine, so it'll be somewhat nice. I feel like the school year is disappearing incredibly quick. It's as if I was wearing my brown tank top, tight skinnies, peach feather necklace and pink cardigan(my outfit for the first day of school:), just yesterday. I'm not sure where all the time has gone? Kelsey will be leaving this Summer, temporarily, unlike Ashley who will be gone permanently at the end of June. :/ I yearn to leave highschool, but I can barely handle two people leaving. I think I'm turning into a Jeff lol. I'm missing my friends before they are even gone. It overwhelms me, but makes me greatful for the time I have left with them. I'm so happy to be surrounded by thier amazing personalities.I don't think I've ever appreciated them as much as I did this week. I could literally spend hours and hours typing good qualities I see in each of them.... Kelsey has the best laugh i've ever heard, even though she reaches a new octave each time. lol Jordan can talk for hours about relationships with me and not get sick of it. Mara makes me laugh really hard with her random/pointless stories. Jeff makes me appreciate what I have right now. Ashley Jordan is the only one who makes me laugh so hard that I practically pee my pants. Brian understands my burning love for Coldplay haha! Kevin, welllll he's someone who you know won't ever neglect his beliefs for what the crowd is doing.Aurielle always makes the best of a situation, and is the best pet I've ever had. I know I'll miss all of them like crazy when we all go our seperate ways, but as of now, I hold some pretty awesome memories with them :]
thanks guys!


"I ask somebody what the time is
but time doesn't matter to them yet..."
-Coldplay

Being positive isn't my thing, but I am capable of saying what i like :)

Watermelon blow pops, RINGS, perfume,my faded skinnies, coldplay :]], Peach Pleasure smoothie from Jamba Juice, staying up late, sleeping in, finding good deals, the smell of my car, being with the fam, running at lafit, messy hurr, singing to my kitties, painting nails, basking in the sun, applying burts bees, laughing hard,elixir gum,


making weird faces, annotating poetry, discovering new music, meeting new people, facebooking into the wee hours of the night, peace and quiet, Whataburger, receiving flowers, Simply Orange Juice, taking Ambien, clear skin days, going to Sea World, slipping on a new pair of shoes, the smell of coffee, sneezing, neon pink, spending time with my friends, studying the universe, vacationing, cleaning my friends' rooms, and knowing everything is goood.

Like a rollercoaster ride.

And i was sitting in my testing room, laying my head on my research book, Flowers for Algernon, as I had an epiphany; I'm a very controlling person, sheesh. And it's breaking me down. So I decided to dig down a little deeper and see what is really wrong right now and why I feel the way I do. I think my sadness is indirectly related to being dumped, but directly related to the fact that I feel like I lost control of my emotions. It's as if I handed them over and said "here, do whatcha want, but be careful because they're sorta fragile." Maybe I should emphasized fragile, a little bit more. I HATE change, with a passion and I'm thinking my anger/sadness, is contained in this change. I feel like I can't force the situation to go my way, therefore I have lost control. It's the craziest feeling in the world, I was trying to think of how to describe it and all i could come up with was.... sitting in a roller coaster, as it reaches the top and fear builds inside of me, then it begins to drop...faster and faster, and the seat belt breaks. Then the bars suddenly fall off and I can't grip on to anything. It's nauseating. I think I might fly out at any moment, and the person operating the roller coaster determines whether I live or die. How inconvenient? lol. Hmm, I wish I wasn't a control freak, but it can have its benefits at times. As for right now, I'm hoping I can jump off this roller coaster soon! :]

bad hair day.

BLEH.

I'm sitting here waiting for someone to comb through my tangled thoughts. I need some conditioner, but all I have is hairspray, and its making everything stick and get even more ratted. 

It's repulsive.  

If I'm hopeful..

If my heart could run away, it would be the first place winner in the marathon. There is no cure or remedy..only time which ticks slower and slower with each passing second.If love were tangible I'd take hold of it and super glue it to my heart, while making sure every square inch is stapled down. I thought I had it fastened securely in place, but then someone came and peeled it off, scraped the residue, and burned it in a fire, to merely watch it rise up in smoke. Love is indestructible, but at times hard to find when it is in small particles, as it is now. For a moment I thought it had been destroyed, and lost, but then I remembered I have only misplaced it. This game of hide and seek, however, will not last forever. And when I find what I'm looking for, I will not let go, not even for a second.

like a knife

It's like being chained up. Your arms and legs are pinned tightly to the wall as shards of glass pierce the flesh. Digging deeper and deeper until they penetrate the heart. Because nothing hurts more than a wounded heart.

cause today you walked out of my life
cause today your words felt like a knife

goodbyes are meant for lonely people standing in the rain
and no matter where I go its always pouring down the same
these streets are filled with memories both perfect and in pain
and all i wanna do is love you
but I'm the only one to blame.


I'll leave it to secondhand serenade to perfect my feelings.

Bullseye

I can't help but replay this conversation over and over in my mind that my boss had with me. It's not a big deal, but my feelings are fragile and shatter at the slightest criticism.

Shannon: "Allie, I don't know what was wrong with you, maybe you were sick or tired, but there is absolutely NO sitting during a party."

Me:"I'm sorry Shannon, I just had a blister, and needed a minute to recoup, I thought it was okay since they were just singing karaoke"

Shannon: "Wellllll then you need to let us know so we can replace you, Right now I have megan doing everything and I'd like to make you a lead, like Megan, because I know I can rely on her. I know you're phenomenal, but I need 110 %...."

I just can't stand to be compared to her, after all, I was the one who taught her how to style hair and do the dances. Plus I obey the rules and actually respect everyone, not just the manager. I know it should be enough that I know I am doing the right thing, but its not.
Why does it bother me so much? It's only a small portion of my life. I try to think of something else then I hear her talking to me again. I want to wrap duct tape around my thoughts. I can't be perfect. I try so hard, yet I'm constantly the target. Waiting for someone to hit bullseye and let me tell you, no one ever misses. I hope my insecurity will fade with experience. I guess 17 years just isn't long enough. So I'll keep waiting...

Cry Me a River

My tears provide a temporary home for my emotions. They are more than a mere mixture of salt and water. They hold hurt, fear, insecurity, and anxiety. They hold the time Andrew died. They hold the time I was mocked for my religion.Or the time I was four, and held down at the dentist office. They envelope my weaknesses. The liquid itself is clear, but the core of each drop is blurred with indecision. I feel my emotions accumulating and building a wall around my sense of rationality as they form a pool in my ducts. When the water becomes to deep to be bound by the lid, they overflow and begin to tumble down; finding a new place to soak with burden. As they vacate my skin, I'm extricated from the ill-feelings each drop encases. After all, tears only remain for so long. And after they serve their purpose--releasing what we feel, but can't express--they evaporate. Taking with them my hurt, fear, insecurity, and anxiety. For my tears provide a temporary home for my emotions.

Dreams are only an escape from reality.

I know dreams don't control my life, in fact my life controls them. Every morning when I get up I replay my dreams in my mind as if they were a movie, or real life scenario. Mom's therapist says when you can remember your dreams, you're in touch with your feelings. He also says it's your sub-conscience telling you something. Sometimes I wonder what my conscience is trying to say to me, if only it would speak to me in a clear voice. Shouting. Instead it tells me to analyze every aspect of my dream, in order to unlock the feelings I keep tangled up inside of my body. It doesn't give anything away, because it likes riddles. It doesn't give multiple choice tests with four options. It likes to see me think. It likes to confuse me until I cry, shake, and fear from the reality that disguises itself beneath what is artificial. I have to interpret the hidden message for myself. For only myself and God know the solution to the endless equation my emotions write. My most recent dream occurred at approximately 4:25 a.m. (seeing that the average dream only lasts 2 minutes, and I awoke at 4:27 a.m.). My dream, better yet, nightmare, began in the living room. My house was as it looks in real life: Coffee table in the center, brown recliner, leather sofa in an "L" shape, and another small table near the T.V., which is support for a green/gold lamp. I remember Mom pushing me into the corner near the small table and telling me to hide. "Your sister has snapped and you need to stay out of her sight." Yet, my sister's body was still next to me. It was her soul attempting to kill our family, which at that moment was trapped outside, beating on the window, hoping to enter into our home. It was possessed by some evil spirit, possibly the devil?
Dad handed me his cell phone and asked me to call the bishop so they could tame her soul. I made the call, and there was not the slightest sound of fear in his voice. In fact, he chuckled once and didn't seem in any hurry to come over. I feared for my own life, but more so for my sister, because I knew it was not really her. Once the bishop arrived, along with a few requested cops, I watched my dad go out the back door. Stepping into danger, yet filled with bravery. He knew it had to be done to save us. The next thing I knew I was lying in the brown recliner. I asked Mom what happened to Kayle and she told me to look next to me. There she was, lying next to me in the chair. I remember getting out of the chair as quickly as my reflexes would allow. Mom told me not to fear, because she was healed. I was still scared, as I looked at my sister, afraid that she might snap once more. I expressed my concern to mom, but her response did not suffice. She just said, "Well, we still have to live with her, because she's your sister and we have to love her no matter what." Then I woke up. Light perspiration found itself a home on my face due to the fear instilled in me. I wanted to run into my sister's room for reassurance, but I would only be disappointed to find an empty bedroom. I turned on my light and cried as I called Ryan. Reality slowly consumed the space inside my body which was once occupied by anxiety.

I'm not sure why my conscience insists on scaring me to make me understand what is that I need to know. All I can say is, when I awake my gratitude for reality grows infinitely. For it was only a two minute dream that took complete control over my emotions. Only 2 minutes...

"Cover the earth"

I want to be a child again. Where the worries of the world are nonexistent. My friends were nothing more than a playmate, with a lack of profound influence on me. We'd eat ritz crackers, drink juice, and play barbies.My dolls were who I wanted to be. "Perfect". Thin. Invincible. Placid. Endless professions, possibilities and people awaited her. She had it all, complete with the wardrobe. The only thing I had to deal with was doing what I was told. I didn't have to make my own decisions, although at times I did. The fork in the road only appeared when I couldn't decide whether or not to eat lucky charms or frosted flakes. There was no "responsibility". I didn't care what i wore, or if I combed my hair, brushed my teeth or smelled like the outside. My beauty strictly bloomed beneath the surface of my skin. The vibrant pages within my story books were filled with rhymes of delight. Not characters with the predicament of who to love and what will bring them true happiness. If there really was a fountain of youth, or better yet a fountain of childhood, I would quench my thirst within its depth and consume my 8 cups a day. I would thrive off of it. No wonder the renowned jungle "I don't want to grow up, I'm a toys r us kid.." echoes in my mind as I reminisce on my childhood. Now I am lost in a world of turmoil. Man's inhumanity to man. The songs are not simplistic and joyous, "I love you, you love me..."instead they are composed of revenge and hatred.

Hate is more prominent than ever. It slowly drips its black ink into a can of soon-to-be blemished white paint. The grey darkens with each drop as it cages society...as good and evil intertwine themselves together. 

The world needs to drain the grey, patch up the hole we have created and fill the can once more with white paint, until it overflows, and floods the ground beneath. We need to adhere to the Sherwin-Williams motto and "cover the earth." If only I told myself everyday, "I can obtain the childlike qualities I once possessed: meek, humble, carefree, pure, and submissive." then maybe perfection would be reached.

Thank you.

Being that Thanksgiving was Thursday, I figured I should take some time to write a list of things I'm thankful for.

I'm thankful for a Mom who listens without judging. I'm thankful for a Dad who can fix just about anything. I'm thankful I'm the little sister of three amazing older sisters, Breanne, Jessi, and Kayle. I'm thankful for my brother in-law, Adam. I'm thankful for my house that's furnished with nice things, especially my comfy bed. I'm thankful that I go to a really nice high school. I'm thankful for music that makes me feel something. I'm thankful for my car. I'm thankful that gas prices have decreased. I'm thankful for my cats. I'm thankful I'm blessed with intelligence. I'm thankful for my teachers who work hard to help me. I'm thankful for my health. I'm thankful for technology. I'm thankful I am a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. I'm thankful for my Father in Heaven, who died for my sins. I'm thankful for my friends, who have the ability to make me happy. I'm thankful for my wonderful boyfriend, Ryan. I'm thankful for doctors and dentists. I'm thankful the Lord allowed my dad to fight off cancer. I'm thankful for seminary. I'm thankful for my little nephew, Tucker. I'm thankful for weaknesses that make me stronger.  I'm thankful for everyone who has inspired me or set a good example for me. I'm thankful for change, even though it can be difficult. I'm thankful for prayer. I'm thankful for my smile. I'm thankful for my job. I'm thankful for movies. I'm thankful for holidays. I'm thankful for life.

and I'm thankful for all the great things in life I have been blessed with.

finding nemo? no finding cohen.

Last Thursday I adopted a purple beta fish and named it Cohen. I bought him a typical fish bowl, put blue stones at the bottom and even threw in this little ceramic thing that says shoot for the stars. Thennn yesterday I came home, put my books down and decided to be responsible and feed him his second meal for the day (or maybe first, I can't quite remember if he skipped breakfast). Anyhow as I was approaching my door, when little bear (my gray kitten) prances out while licking his lips with his sandpaper pink tongue. I knew something was up and when I got to Cohen's bowl, there was nothing but water and the decor i had added when I first got him. "Stupid stupiddd cat!" i started yelling at bear and i really wanted to kick him, but didn't. I saw dried splash marks on my mirror and little kitty paw prints starting at the bowl and leading to the door. Eventually I got over it and found a $5 off petsmart coupon, so i figured I'd just buy another one sometime, plus Cohen was bulimic. Yeah, every time I'd feed him he'd eat it and spit it right back up, andd on top of that he didn't move or do anything special. Then today I got a weird sensation to search for this fishy; certainly Bear wouldn't have eaten the whole thing, right? So I looked under my desk, on my desk, under my bed, in my sister's rooms, and the bathroom. BUT then I got this crazy feeling that I should lift up my fish bowl and look under it. Sure enough, there was cohen wiggling for his life. Poor thing was stuck under the ceramic thing. I don't have a clue how I didn't see it before, but i got a stick and moved the thing so he could be set free, and I fed him some food but every time I came near the bowl he started doing back flips and pooping haha! He's so traumatized, but hey! at least he moves and does stuff now. I think part of his fin is missing but thats okay, his brain is smaller than a breadcrumb so he probably doesn't even care. I took him downstairs to show my mom and dad that he was still alive, but then when I had to take him back up to my room he started flipping out so i ran really fast because ever since Ryan told me the story about how his sisters' fishies all jumped out of the bowl and died, I've had this fear that Cohen might attack me while I'm near him. Anyways, little bear didn't eat my fish after all, good thing I didn't kick him. But he did bat him around for a little while. Now for the profound part of this blog haha  you should give everyone the benefit of the doubt because you may not perceive things correctly, even I mistaked little bear for doing something he wasn't guilty of :] 

(i'll have a picture later :)

You get the best of both worlds

The weather makes me want to curl up and read a good book while sipping hot chocolate :] and i don't even enjoy reading. I think this winter is going to be a sad one: leaving all my libby lu friends behind. I lovee my job (even though i would rather be doing other things sometimes). I would always talk about how I could be a manager there or a senior club counselor one day, not knowing it would all come to a halt. I know I couldn't work there forever, after all they only pay minimum wage, but still... i wasn't ready to give it up quite yet. I don't know where else i can work and get to sing and dance to hannah montana all day. I signed my severance papers saturday and there was a letter that said "It is with heavy heart that I announce Sak's incorporated's plan to discontinue operations of Club Libby Lu and its 98 locations by early 2009." Reading this almost put me in tears. I was the first employee to find out. On Thursday last week a lady came in in a panic and asked if it was true that we were closing down, and my manager mumbled a yes. I don't think she wanted me to hear, but I decided to go on break right away and tell everyone. Then I asked her about it and she said that we were supposed to find out on saturday, but its all over the news. Our letter that we each received went on to say "as we enter the holiday season...let's ensure that we keep our mission alive of making every little girl that visits Club Libby Lu feel like a very important princess." It makes it hard for me to want to go to work because I know the end is getting nearer and nearer and I'm becoming more and more attached to the people there. I even had a breakdown on saturday. I kept saying it was this or that, but I know deep down I was experiencing/hating change. I don't know where I'm going to work, or if I'll have as much fun at my next job and it's really worrying me, but I guess it's times like these that I have to let go and just be faithful that it's meant to be.

live in the world, not of the world.

It's really surprising how within a few years, days, or even moments someone can change. It makes me wonder if they  really did change, or if they were just hiding an alternate side. Temptation is the only way to find out people's true colors...disappointing huh? Seeing so many people become numb to wrong choices leaves me with the misconception that there isn't anyone left with a clean slate. I'm not sure how to deal with it anymore. Seeing others' mistakes sometimes makes me want to step into the "grey" area, where you're not sure (or you justify) if something is right. Then again, I have to tell myself  its okay to be against the crowd and do things differently, because if  I don't set the example for my friends, then I'm afraid no one else will.

"Potentially destructive deviations often seem so small that some find it easy to justify “just this once.” When that temptation arises—as it will—I urge you to ask yourself, “Where will it lead?”

-Dallin H. Oaks

skipping school

I had a very eventful weekend :]

football game

tansformers

homecoming date! 

getting sick

work 

surprise 17 birthday

stake dance

whataburger til 2 am

21 :]

family birthday party

and all the stuff in between.

yeah it was pretty awesome. So today i skipped school because of my mild illness but i really just wanted to sleep in and not do anything. Which is basically what i did, well i renewed my license and went to hobby lobby with my mom. I'm really excited for october! It's going to be an awesome month, I can't wait for jessi to come home and to go see my sisters in utah and to sing at the football game :]]

 

So kayle was telling me about this quote that says: "We cannot become who we need to be, by remaining who we are; change is painful."

I HATE change, but I think it is time for some changes around here. She also said we get so caught up in "finding ourselves" and who the world wants us to be, but we weren't born make poor decisions, we choose them. Idk I just thought it was interesting because many think they can't change who they are, almost as if  they were just made to be that way, but we build our character, its not predetermined. 

..and when you laugh, laugh out loud

Well, it’s been two weeks and my yearning to be with my sister hasn’t ceased, but I’m coping with it. We try to video chat as much as possible, but our schedules and the time difference aren’t really helping. I miss her a lot. It’s hard for outsiders to comprehend how much she means to me. I miss the little things that didn’t really matter to me at the time because they were common, like sleeping in her bed when I got scared or riding around in her car listening to me least favorite band, Jonas Brothers.

 I’m the worst when it comes to taking things for granted, but you really don’t see what you have until it’s gone. I found this song though, and it fits my sister so perfectly. It’s called “dream big” and there’s a line in it that says “And when you laugh, laugh out loud because it will carry all your cares away.” And if any of you know Kayle, you know that her laughter washes away any feelings of negativity, and you can't help but break out in a smile too. I’m really grateful to have a sister like her. It seems like just yesterday that we were playing Barbies under our trundle bed after bedtime, trying not to let Mom hear us. So here’s to my sister, my best friend, and my role model, I love you kayle! :] 

I don't belong here.

On monday, we did a questionnaire that enabled us to meet everyone in the class. There were questions like "can you touch you tongue to your nose?" or "were you born in dallas?". We were required to go around and ask others to sign their name by the question that they qualified for. Most everyone could do something someone else could, but when we went over the questions as a class, the teacher asked "who all is in the top ten percent of their class?" I was the only one who raised my hand :] Dang did that feel awesome.

Now let's backtrack to earlier that morning in first period. Precal. The teacher spoke and wrote down notes for us to copy into our spirals and explained it quite thoroughly... well according to everyone else. I sat there the whole class period and felt as if everyone knew I didn't understand it. I could feel myself sticking out, with burning cheeks and the most baffled look on my face. How did everyone know what they were doing? The teacher was speaking some foreign language to me. "Example number one find such and such." ....60 seconds later."Who has the answer?" EVERYONE BUT ME! what the heck? I don't belong here. My brain just doesn't work like that. I want the answer to be my own. Not what the text books want. Let me make my OWN math problems. Put me in English class where you can be as broad as you want...better yet put me back in kindergarden where you get credit just for trying your best. Whatever happened to "E" for effort??

Our surroundings have an astonishing affect huh? Well at least for me. They make me feel dumb, embarrassed, awkward,overwhelmed or even smart. They rattle with my emotions and self-esteem. Comparison is such a peculiar thing. When I compare myself to someone who is more intelligent than me I get trapped in this mindset that makes me feel so locked up.Often it makes me afraid to speak to them because I don't want to make a fool of myself. Then other times I flip flop places and I'm the "smarter" one. More like I've applied myself more to that area than someone else. It's just like two completely different worlds. I don't know where I'm going with this, but it's just kinda how I've been feeling this past week. I'm glad that my precal class balances out my speech class so I don't become to egotistical. haha.

The end of the beginning

Whenever school starts I pretend like it's still summer, but we just have to attend school. Crazy right? Well, it's the only thing that gets me out of bed in the morning. I was thinking a lot today, and at first I had a hard time thinking of what I did this summer. I was like wow, nothing exciting happened to me. I think this summer was like the summer of learning. I learned alot about myself anddd my friends. I learned to speak my mind, let go, take chances, and be happy regardless of what comes my way. I learned how to deal with change like having a new addition to our family, I now understand that there isn't a "perfect" relationship, and I found out how important family can be. Although I've become quite overwhelmed with thinking school and work will take away all my social life, I'm ready for routine. I'm excited for all the new things that are coming my way :] I just want to thank everyone for making my summer so much fun. I'll miss the midnight runs to walmart and whataburger with Jordan, Mara, and Kelsey. I'll miss laughing so hard at the idiotic videos me and Ashley would make early in the morning, I'll miss Aurielle running red lights bc she thinks they're optional when its past 11, and most of all I'll miss having my sister whenever I need her. I know it's bittersweet, but its like someone put more salt in the cake than sugar. Lol. That was lame, but really I'm sad it's ending.

"Rudeness is a weak man's imitation of strength"

Thanks to Ryan, I'm now a huge fan of the Coldplay song, Death and All His Friends.

Here's the part that keeps replaying in my mind over and over...

"So come over just be patient and don't worry.

So come over just be patient and don't worry.

No I don't wanna battle from beginning to end.

No I don't wanna cycle of recycled revenge.

No I don't wanna follow Death and all of his friends."

Just thought this was fitting. It really is a cycle ya know? Revenge, it doesn't stop. We have to break the cycle. Even when all you want to do is keep fighting back, some how thinking you'll win and the other person will raise the white flag, but no. If I were the lyricist for this song I woulda substituted "death" for misery. After all, doesn't misery love company? So, give it up, it's not worth fighting about" Be patient and don't worry" that's what I have to keep telling myself. Besides, it's inevitable that one person will lose when you're fighting hate with hate.

it's a choice, not an occurence

         Having no sleep, being with the same people to long, anddd being stressed out really puts me in a bad mood. I always feel like maybe if I lash out at people then it will help me relieve me anger, but it never does. It seemed like every little thing ate away at me this morning. I wouldn't even look at my sister because I was so angry about driving around san antonio for 45 minutes trying to find her friend's house.  When I know she'd do it for me any day, but it didn't matter to me this morning, it was like everyone's tiny flaws were magnified and I kept making them out to be some huge ordeal in my mind. It felt like I was going to snap at any given moment. After finally making it to her friends house I asked to drive, took the keys, and sped all the way back to Austin so that we wouldn't get lost anymore plus I wouldn't have to speak or look at anyone. I kept trying to block out the phrase that kept running through my mind that said "change you attitude before it changes you". About an hour and 20 minutes later we were at my sisters apartment and I told myself that I could be happy or miserable. So I walked into the apartment and put a fake smile on, but after a little while I didn't have to try. I came to realization that I don't have any reason to be mad; I have everything I need including my family, and it's rare that we all get to be together, so I didn't need to ruin it. I guess it was just selfish of me to get mad and it wasn't worth it. Plus I can never get back the time that I waste on being ticked off. :/  My point being, we don't just become happy or sad and no one forces it upon us, it's a choice that we make for ourselves.

what you see isn't what you get: it's so much more

         Do you remember when you were little and people would actually ask "wanna be my best friend?" Then that was that, you were automatically friends. You didn't care what they were wearing or if they had family problems or what their hair looked like, they were nice to you and you were nice to them and that's what mattered. Then you "grew up" and stepped into the ever-so-judgemental world of middle school, and everything changed. About 90 % of people's views were altered, and a best friend couldn't just be someone who was nice to you, it just wasn't sufficient. It was almost as if you had to meet a criteria to even be accepted. Where am i going with this? Well, the other day I got a text that was forwarded to me and it entailed a description of one of my best friends saying "she's some bleach blond with a big chest...". Neither of those attributes seem awful, but if you were to know the situation then I can almost guarantee it would offend you just as much as it did me. They made her out to be the stereotypical dumb blond consequently they failed to see who she really is. There's so much more to my best friend than meets the eye. She has the capability to make people laugh and she listens to you even when everything your saying doesn't make sense or she's heard it a thousand times before. I would be lying if I said I've never judged someone based on their looks, but then I tell myself that they to are a child of God, therefore they're my brother or sister. Just something to think about the next time you have something rude to say about someone.

easier said than done

       Sometimes we wait soo long to put ourselves out there. I think it's just the doubt that builds up inside, and soon enough there's not enough room for hope. Or maybe we can only think back on all the negative times that we attempted to do something and failed. What makes it even harder is when you finally rid yourself of all that doubt and fear and go for what you want, then get rejected. Thus, placing yourself at square one once more; trying to scrounge up little pieces of courage for the next time... I think if i could have one wish in life, it would be being able to get the BIG picture. I want to see why things happen to me and what their significance is. Or if bad things are really that bad. I'm well aware of the fact that Heavenly Father wouldn't give us more burdens than we can handle, but it's just seems so hard to comprehend. In reality every problem we have is so miniscule in the big scheme of things, but why can't I see that now? and accept what I'm saying? I guess the old adage " easier said than done" will never die.

aunt allie!

7lbs. 18 inches. No hair. Perfection.

I am officially Aunt Allie. At roughly 8:30 p.m. Dad and me raced down to Austin to see the newest member of our family, Tucker Maxwell Olson. We missed the actual birth part by about 15 minutes. I thought we were going to make it. My music was pumping through my veins and I kept glancing at the clock every minute anxiously waiting for my dad to get a text that says " HE'S OUT!" It felt like I kept pressing on the gas pedal harder and harder, but I was really only doing about 75 mph. I wish dad would've brought the radar so I could've gone 90 like last time. Haha.

At 11:17 p.m. (really 11:14, my clock is just fast) my dad yelled "HE'S OUT!!". We got to the hospital about 15-20 mins later and saw Breanne and Tucker. She looked really good for just having a baby and Tucker also looked exceptionally healthy :] I'm excited to be here with all my family. This won't be happening very often, considering breanne, adam, and tucker are moving to Utah in September and Kayle is leaving for BYU in two weeks. Not only is it a blessing to be together as a complete family, but Tucker's arrival was timed so perfectly; I couldn't find anyone to take my Saturday shift at work, which meant I wouldn't have been able to come see him on his scheduled due date. Well our wake-up call is scheduled for 8 a.m. so I better get some sleep!

counting down the days...

It seems like so many deadlines are bombarding my life

1.) kayle leaves for college in less than a month

2.) summer is ending in two weeks

3.)Breanne is due in like 3 days!

It's so stressful thinking of all these changes :/

I tend to just block them all out, it's easier that way. Despite the fact that I'm overwhelmed, I'm also having the best time of my life. I think I've stayed up until at least 3 a.m. for the past two weeks. Last Tuesday (July 29th) I spent the night at Lisa's with Aurielle. We decided to wrap a friends house, but then his mom came out with water balloons and so we only got about three rolls in the trees. Then we happened to notice that a lot of houses had sprinklers on. I bet you can guess what we did? Yup, we ran through every single lawn that had their water on. :] The we went to at least 7 gas stations trying to find decent flavored slurpees. Finally we came to a valero where the had green apple and white cherry which didn't sound to bad, plus every size was only 89 cents! Last night was awesome to. Kels, Mara and Jordan spent the night and we went to walmart at like 12:30 a.m. and made the most hilarious video. I think it deserves to be on SNL. Then we came home and watched sisterhood of the traveling pants (While we ate our cheap microwave dinners). Jordan and Mara fell asleep around 3:30 but me and kels stayed up til 6:30 bc I really wanted to see the sunrise! (as if I dont get to see it enough during the school year). My favorite part however, was when me and Kels went and got fresh donuts at 5 a.m. something I've always wanted to do).Me and kels didn't wake up until 12:20 and I was still sooo tired, but then we all went to michael's to get paint and shirts, but the old lady only let Kelsey buy shirt paint b/c she thought kels was born in 1982 instead of 1992. Even though when the lady asked for her birthday she clearly said Jan. 14, 1992. Oh well we went to Hobby Lobby and got what we needed. We also made a quick stop by Horizon Car Wash, to see Jordan's new love interest :].Then there's tonight. Me and ash went on a double date to bowl-a-rama with Jeff and Brian then watched the Italian Job. I've come to realize that movies just aren't  for me. I zone out way to quick or fall asleep. Me and ash also made a midnight run to walmart. We got cookies and cheesecake yumm. I think i can hear L.A. Fitness calling me name now :[ I'm wayyy excited for tomorrow night. It's the premiere of sisterhood of the traveling pants! yay. We already bought out tickets for the midnight showing, andd we are in the process of making amazing shirts, we being me kels mara and jordan. I'm soo worn out but I feel like I have so much more to say, I guess it will have to wait for another time!

-allie.

to teach is to be taught

So, I had an amazing opportunity to go out with the sister missionaries in my ward :] I was quite nervous at first, because I didn't know what to expect (I figured I would have to teach something or bare my testimony to complete strangers :/ ). We knocked on a few doors of people who might be potential investigators, but they weren't home. So, we ended up going to two homes of people who were already members. The first lady was an older woman, who talked about her job and how she re-decorated her home all by herself! (might i add, she layed the tile with no help!) I thought it was pretty impressive. The second home we visited was a family who just got baptized. I didn't have much to say to them, so i just listened. The man who lived there said something that really struck me: "I never knew how far away I was from Jesus Christ and Heavenly Father until I found them again." It really made me think...hmm I'm so blessed that I never strayed far from them. I think I learned a valuable lesson that day to not take the gospel for granted. It was really awesome experience, not really what i had initially expected and instead of teaching i was taught!